Strong, Independent And Over It

I don’t want this page to fit into a box.

In the sense that I don’t want to be known as the person who writes about corporate culture or education or food. I don’t want to be categorized into a type of writer.

This page is not motivational, it’s not informational, and it’s definitely not commercial. This is just an inner monologue that is shared with the outside world. There is no ulterior motive to this blog, at least none that I have thought of right now. I mainly started this to get back into the flow of writing.

I do keep a journal as well, but I am not as regular with it as I was back in school. Now I just open it once every few months and give it my life updates in a very boring, lifeless tone. As compared to my entries in 7th grade, which were replete with my feelings, emotions, reactions, and detailed illustrations to show where who was standing and who caught whose eye when.

Those were the days. I still find those pages far more interesting than anything I have going on in my life right now.

And that’s not because my life is any less interesting or happening now, it is. I have so much more juicy stuff to write about now. So what changed is me and not the life around me. I don’t get excited about the little things that made my day back in 2013.

My outlook of the future is not for the next week but for the next 5 years. I keep waiting for the months to pass so I can move on to the next, more exciting and desirable chapter of my life.

But now that I think about it, I have waited away a huge chunk of my very exciting and objectively enviable experiences. For example, I went on a 3-month-long Europe trip and I spent the last 2 months just waiting to get back home.

What’s wrong with me? Now I miss every part of it, but if you were to ask me if I would go for that again, the answer would be a resolute no. Because I can’t do that for another 3 months. I would like to experience that for a fortnight every 2 months.

That’s what I want.

That would be the perfect recurrence period. But obviously in my current occupation that is not possible, neither do I have the time freedom nor the financial prowess to do that.

This blog isn’t going anywhere, like most others on this page.

It’s just a conscious stream of thought.

I am so involved in the big things that I am not looking forward to the little things in life.

A part of the problem could be the fact that I’m staying away from home. All of my major exciting opportunities have taken me away from home, so no matter how excited and grateful I am to receive that acceptance email, I soon start dreading the start date.

I am constantly thinking about getting done with it so I can go home.

I think that’s the root of the problem.

Because if I were to imagine myself experiencing these opportunities from home, there would have been no longing to be somewhere else. Maybe then I would have been fully in the moment and savouring each second of my day.

Who am I kidding, I would’ve still found something to crib about, perhaps the fact that I am staying at home and nobody leaves me alone. Moreover, if I had stayed at home all this time, I don’t think I would’ve grown enough to qualify for half the things I have achieved in life. The personality development and resilience that comes with living on your own is unparalleled.

A lizard can no longer force me to forfeit my room. I have grown indifferent to minor inconveniences, or at least I do after sufficient cribbing.

But now, after 6 years of living away from home, I am done being independent and strong. Take me back to being an ultra-shielded passenger princess. I officially declare my personality development complete.

Now I think I am going back in reverse. There is no positive development happening anymore, I’m growing surlier day by day. I need my family to bring me back to the ground, because if I grow any more independent I’ll have to go live in the jungle.

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Today’s Craving - Pokka Green tea